The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Shock And Outrage And Shock And Outrage

Read Identity Crisis #7. Not to spoil anything, but the killer's name rhymes with 'Jean Ploring'.

I'm somewhat disappointed. Having the Atom did it would at least bring awareness to the problem of high-powered superbeings not getting laid enough (vide Watchmen), while this result just highlights what we knew about DC:

1) DC hates women (Marvel too, but hides it), and
2) A-block characters never get in big trouble unless it's plastered across the cover.

Even the sideplot where they gleefully throw excrement at Silver Age has already been outdone by Marvel revealing the virginal love ef every comic book reader over 30, Gwen Stacy, was sleeping around with ol' Stripehair Osborn. Fanfic writers everywhere are complaining, because there's no way they could possibly do anything nastier than the companies themselves are already doing.

And, frankly: Am I the only one that notices the woman stepping on the carpet the World's Greatest Detectives declared unmarred? At least Scooby Doo kept track of the clues. Oh well. We can still amuse ourselves reading the reviews saying how this will leave 'a permanent mark on the DC universe' and things will never be the same, at least until the next sales drop.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Kingdom Come

With the imminent arrival of Kingdom Hearts II, which seems to proeminently figure a goth Mickey, message boards are burning with rumors of what will be in the sequel, most of them in some proto-european language. Using Altavista's newest Internet-to-English software, we've uncovered that the newest work of Disney-Square-Enix-Capcom-Dreamworks-Some Guy With Money will have:

* Extra playable characters: Mary Poppins, Herbie the Love Bug, Panchito (Featured in the new Mexicana level, where you must beat Heartless worms in bottles and dangerous immigrants)

* 50% less of those guys from those games of that Japanese company, whatever it is.

* Sequel will be released for TV only, have vastly inferior and derivative plot and none of the good voice acting of the original.

* White Wilderness minigame: Push as many lemmings off the cliff as possible within one minute.

* Even though it says Disney on the cover, most of the job was done by Pixar.

* Brand-new Legal Battle System! Defeat the enemies by pushing them off the Public Domain edge and copying their powers, but don't forget to give money to the battle judges to avoid falling through it yourself!

* To cash in with Da Vinci Code, the game comes with an edition of the Bible, containing previously unpublished apocryphal books that indicate the third member of the Trinity is actually Mickey Mouse.

* Additional cutscenes displaying the corpses of JM Barrie, Burroughs, Carroll and La Fontaine spinning on their graves.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Money Can't Buy Me Love

The hep thing nowadays is online games. And you can't just play online games, you have to be the L3WT3ST in there. It's statistically impossible for everyone to be on top, so the job falls, as usual, to the richest.

Now this is a novel idea! Why make games clean and balanced when we can jump at the chance of cash! Wizards of the Coast knows it. Thinking of that, I've quickly crafted a set of alternate rules for popular games so that you can also get in the game of MAKING MONEY!

Monopoly - Players can pay the owner of the game one dollar for an extra $1000 in game money. ADVANCED RULE: Fluctuate prices according to demand.

Chess - Pay $5.00 to the builder of the chess set to promote one of your pawns to a Queen.

Poker - For a one-time fee of $100 to the party host, you may play with six cards on hand.

Rock-Paper-Scissors - Instead of playing, give your opponent a twenty and say, 'I win.' If he does not agree, repeat.

Remember, fun is much more fun when it's made of money.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A Koan