The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Board Games Final Mix

This is an embrionary idea that was posted in another blog, but it didn't get comments for six months so I'm posting it here. (Yes I know I don't get comments on stuff here either) It was derived from the idea of grabbing all tokens and cards and whatever from every board game you have around and playing them all together.

In this you’ll be taking two board games and playing them at the same time.

* Rules of each board game are mostly unchanged. You’ll only be adding rules for the interactions between the two games.
* In your turn, you play a turn for each of the mixed games in any order.
* If you win one of the games you win the mixed game. This may change if it proves problematic.

Magic X Settlers of Catan

* Hold your Magic and Settlers cards together. (You could even use proxies and/or cover them with card protectors so they’re all alike.)
* If played as Magic cards, Settlers cards have special rules as written below.
* You can trade Magic/Settlers cards as per the Settlers rules, for either cards in your Magic library or Settlers trade items (I.E. two wheat, one mountain and one Dark Ritual to the bank in exchange for one sheep)

And here are the rules Settlers cards are considered to have if played as Magic cards: They all cost 0 mana to play.

Timber: Green Sorcery. Generate two green mana.
Ore: Black Sorcery. Generate two black mana.
Sheep: White Sorcery. Generate two white mana.
Wheat: Blue Sorcery. Generate two blue mana.
Brick: Red Sorcery. Generate two red mana.
Knight: 2/2 Colorless creature, cost 0.
Road Building: Search your deck for a Land card and put it on play, shuffle your deck afterwards.
Invention: Draw three Magic cards.
Monopoly: Colorless sorcery. Name a card. All players must hand you all cards with that name they possess.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Cranky Kong Was The Donkey Kong From Earth-2

This is the canon timeline as it exists after Crisis in Infinite Captain Ns.

62 Years Ago: Mario Sr. is born in Brooklyn. Along with his brother Luigi Sr., he performs jobs as a construction worker, where he often has to fight Donkey Kong Sr. and rescue a woman named Pauline. (Donkey Kong, Wrecking Crew, Game & Watch games)

41 Years Ago: Donkey Kong Jr. frees his father from Mario Sr.'s clutches. (Donkey Kong 2)

40 Years Ago: Mario Sr. discovers a network of pipes that leads to the Mushroom Kingdom. (Mario Bros.)

38 Years Ago: Mario Sr. and Pauline are wed and move to the Mushroom Kingdom.

36 Years Ago: Baby Bowser is born. (Yoshi's Island)

35 Years Ago: Mario Jr. and Luigi Jr. are born to Mario Sr. and Pauline. (Yoshi's Island)

34 Years Ago: Wario and Waluigi arrive from the Anti-Matter Mushroom Kingdom. (Yoshi's Island 2)

15-12 Years Ago: Mario Jr. and Luigi Jr. save the Mushroom Kingdom repeated times. (Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, etc)

11 Years Ago: Mario Jr. and Luigi Jr. have a falling apart and go their separate ways. (Mario Sunshine, Luigi's Mansion)

9 Years Ago: Mario Jr. builds a castle to live with his bethroted, Princess Peach. He encounters Wario for the first time and fights him to a standstill. (Super Mario Land 2)

8 Years Ago: Luigi Jr., disguised as his brother, saves Princess Daisy. (Super Mario Land)

5 Years Ago: Mario Jr. finishes his doctorate and dedicates himself to philantrophy. (Dr. Mario, Mario Teaches Typing, Mario's Time Machine)

3 Years Ago: Mario Jr. goes missing in a mission to africa. Luigi Jr. comes out of retirement to rescue him. (Mario is Missing)

2 Years Ago: Mario Jr. and Luigi Jr. reconcile and decide to reform the team for charity competitions. (Mario Party, Mario Tennis, Mario Strikers, etc)

10 Years In the Future: Mario Jr. is called to a higher duty. He ascends to the heavens and is never seen again. (Mario Galaxy)

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I think the reason most people hated the American Godzilla movie wasn't that Godzilla looked weird or that it was a girl, it was mostly that it was beat by a cast of characters that look like they couldn't brush a lizard off their vase of flowers. Let's look at the main characters and see how replacements would improve the movie.

Role: Biologist With Expertise in Radiation-Mutated Lifeforms
Actor: Matthew Broderick
Best Known As: Ferris Bueller
Suggested Replacement: Kiefer Sutherland
Ideal Scene: Discovers where Godzilla eggs are hidden by going down into sewers and shooting rats on knees

Role: Plucky Young Female Reporter
Actress: Maria Pitillo
Best Known As: Cute Girl In Afternoon Sitcoms For Women In The 30-45 Demographic
Suggested Replacement: Charlize Theron
Ideal Scene: Kills Godzilla-spawn with high heel in the brain; turns around sexily and says some catchphrase or something; Godzilla-spawn explodes

Role: Rude Cameraman
Actor: Hank Azaria
Best Known As: Chief Wiggum
Suggested Replacement: Samuel L. Jackson
Ideal Scene: 'We got motherf-cking Godzillas in this motherf-cking stadium!'

Role: Foreign Guy
Actor: Jean Reno
Best Known As: Foreign Guy
Suggested Replacement: Jason Statham
Ideal Scene: Grabs Godzilla-spawn by tail, spins it around, uses it to beat other Godzilla-spawns

Role: Military Commander
Actor: Kevin Dunn
Best Known As: 'Joel Hornick, Jerry's overzealous childhood friend, in the Seinfeld episode "Male Unbonding".'
Suggested Replacement: Chuck Norris
Ideal Scene: Chuck gets shot out of an airplane's bomb hatch; hits Godzilla, Godzilla dies

Monday, April 02, 2007

Things Will Never Be The Same

Those in the audience that don't read many comics probably don't know or don't care that everything is about to change. That's right, the big comic-making corporations are ushering in an entire new age of comics! So you can understand the importance of this, let's see what the previous ages of comics entailed.

Golden Age (Pre-WW2): Superheroes in Phantom Of The Opera costumes with magical or scientific or whatever artifacts which all gave them the same power - the power to punch hoodlums and cutpurses on the face and other sensitive areas while spouting old school catchphrases. Time for a nap, old bean! POW! Hoho!

Electrum Age (WW2 Era): As above, but now mainly punching Hitler and Japanese people (or yellow bucktoothed facsimiles thereof). Hitler was being punched in the guts, like, weekly.

Silver Age (60s): All Golden Age heroes are revamped to get powers from Science or Space. They're all scientists or cops (or scientist cops). Family values prohibit comics from showing any form of sex or violence, giving us about twenty years of Batman dressing as a candy cane and Superman with ant head and etc, providing internet blog sites material for megabytes of postings. On Marvel, Jack Kirby writes and draws every issue of every comic for twenty years.

Bronze Age (70s): Comics become hella street. Superheroes become junkies, evil, evil junkies and soforth. Many go off in funky colored buses to find America. Supergirl and Gwen Stacy and some other women die. Wolverine appears and gets his own series, in a trend that continues to this day.

Iron Age (80s): Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen build the idea that comics can be serious works. This lasts for about two weeks. We get Sandman and Swamp Thing out of it though. Crisis on Infinite Earths and Secret Wars begin the concept of the Big Summer Event, which eventually will occupy the entire year and a few months of the years to each side.

Tinfoil Age (90s): Dear god X-Force and Spawn and everybody is drawing with a knife for a pen and everyone's gritting their teeth all the time and have really small feet and I swear their muscles have muscles of their own argh. Superman dies then comes back with a mullet and also grimaces all the time. Batman is replaced with a kid with a magic skateboard that grimaces a lot, I think. The kid, not the skateboard. This goes on for ten years, when both readers and artists finally find out breasts don't work that way.

Candy Wrapper Age (2000s): Everything is new again! Actually, everything is old again. Why? Because we have to make movies of this stuff, folks. So basically every big superhero reviews his origins and stuff like that so people that just started reading don't have to think too much. Many perky teenage girl versions of superheroes appear and are quickly killed or worse. Meanwhile, the hardcore readers can read the company-wide crossover events, featuring serious debates on rape and children being eaten alive. Haha, kidding! Only on the serious debate bit, actually.

Also, Nextwave gets cancelled. Probably because they can't make a movie of it.