The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Friday, December 12, 2008

Wak Wak Wakwakwak

People that criticize Disney cartoons for being apologetical of capitalist of whatever are seriously missing the psychological depth of the characters. Take Donald Duck, for example. Donald tries to be a working member of society / a good boyfriend / whatever, but the problem is, he's basically incomprehensible. As his own inability to communicate with the world screws him over more and more, he gives up and resorts to the only action he can perform that is understood to the world at large - flailing, wordless rage. This doesn't impress anyone and only serves to make his situation even worse.

There is a small Donald Duck in all of us. (Which is good because if there was a big one we'd explode.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Infinite HERO

Infinite characteristics and others for HERO System.

Infinite Characteristics

Infinite STR

A character with Infinite STR can deal out as much damage as he wants to. 5d6, 20d6, 1000d6, doesn't matter. He can also lift any material object and throw it at any distance. His Leaping distance is also infinite (see Infinite Movement)

Infinite DEX

Infinite DEX means a character never fails any DEX or DEX-based skill roll, for any reason. His OCV and DCV are also infinite, which means he'll never miss an attack and can never be attacked directly: Only by area (Remember he can also dive for cover any distance) and 0-DCV attacks.

Infinite CON

A character with infinite CON never gets sick or poisoned, nor stunned.

Infinite BODY

A character that has Infinite BODY is pretty much immortal: No quantity of damage will ever kill him. He can only be stunned or contained.

Infinite INT

Infinite INT grants the character automatic success on all INT and INT-based skill rolls. He never misses any PER rolls either, and can never be fooled by Images.

Infinite EGO

There are probably some cases of this out there. Infinite EGO means immunity to most mental powers: It also means an infinite ECV, so the character will never miss any mental attack.

Infinite PRE

A character with infinite PRE can use as many dice as he wants to in Presence Attacks, and is immune to Presence Attacks and some of the mental powers.

Infinite COM

No idea how that would work, since COM is not used in any rolls. Maybe the character is a visage of transcendental level or something.

Infinite PD/ED

Infinite PD or ED grants the character total immunity to that type of attack, even if Armor Piercing. The difference between resistant and non-resistant still applies, however.

Infinite SPD

A character with infinite SPD may take as many action phases as he wants to in a turn.

Infinite REC

Infinite REC means all STUN, END and BODY is healed whenever the character takes a Recovery. Somewhat strange.

Infinite END

The simplest infinite characteristic to define. A character with infinite END plays as if all his powers use the 0 END advantage. He also may push any stat to the limits defined by the campaign without any ill effects.

Infinite STUN

A char with infinite STUN never gets Knocked Out, although he might be Stunned. Theorically, he could also use as much STUN as he wants in place of END, but that's up to the crazy GM that let a player take this.


Infinite Movement

A Infinite Movement Power allows the character with it to move anywhere he can reasonably reach with that power, at any distance, in a half action.

Infinite Attack Power

A Infinite Attack Power can do as much damage as the character wishes it to. A sensible GM should apply rules for collateral damage generously.

Infinite Skills

A character a infinite score in a skill will never miss a roll on it, no matter how insanely difficult his effort might be. He can use Contortionist to slip under a door or Breakfall to cushion his fall on a bed of spikes by landing with a toe on the tip of one of them.

Friday, October 03, 2008

What Is An Ioun Anyway

My good friend JDigital has posted a list of D&D ioun stones, those things that can be 'equipped' and orbit around your head. Here I list a few that he missed:

Brass ball - Immunity to fear

Steel cylinder - Acts as immovable rod if held by another person, except it continues to orbit your head

Transparent cube - Keeps beverages on your person cold

Glass eye - 360-degree vision, looks generally creepy

Pulsating red ellipsoid - Whenever you cast a projectile spell, casts a 1st-level version of the spell at the same target

Gray cube - Will never threaten to stab you, and in fact, cannot speak

White octahedron - Allows you to equip one extra ioun stone

Glinting diamond - +2 bling bonus to charisma

Spherical boulder - Is three feet wide, can be used as a rough bludgeon tool

Gray pockmarked sphere - Eventually grows tiny grass, tiny small trees, tiny animals, tiny civilization

Pewter shoe - Gain $200 whenever you pass GO

4th edition rulebook - Lets you shift five feet in one direction

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Epic Skillz

I'm depressed that 4th edition of D&D came out, because now I will never finish the Epic Skill Uses supplement I was working on. According to the Epic Level Handbook or whatever, someone that spent ten thousand ranks on Escape instead of something actually useful could use them to pass through tiny holes, or a wall of force, or those things DMs only throw at you when they're really pissed you defeated their dragon with a rock throw to the forehead. I merely extended the idea to all the other skills that were so woefully ignored. I leave you with a draft of what could be.


The Glare:
You can intimidate inanimate objects into doing what you want. DC 40 for things the object can do normally (doors open, wagons move), DC 60 for things the object can't do normally (browbeat a chair into hiding in a corner) or to convince a magic item into using its power.


Blastoff: For a -25 penalty to your skill, you may jump without moving any muscle - even when tied up or lying down. This includes the -18 penalty for not enough running speed.

Double Jump:
You can jump again while in midair. You have a penalty of -20 to your skill for each extra jump. You're considered to keep the original speed you had when you left the ground for DC purposes, but you can change directions with each jump.

Move Silently

You can prevent someone else from making noise. DC as usual, plus 10 per extra person, plus target's level + Reflex if they're actively resisting the effect.

Make Noise Silently: You can perform an action that explicitely generates noise (such as ringing a bell or shouting) without unintended parties hearing it. DC 40 for speech-level noise, DC 60 for loud stuff.

Use Magic Device

MacGyver: You can use a magical item as another item of the same type and equal or lower cost. DC 50 for 25% efficiency (uses four times as many charges, lasts a quarter of the time), DC 75 for half efficiency.

Trap Setting: This lets a character set a magic item to trigger, once, by a physical act of some kind (like a door opening or being stepped on) DC 40.


This was to be the meat of the book. Turn a rock into a delicious dessert, Cooking at DC 50. A Leatherworking roll at DC 60 would let you tan and prepare a hide without removing it from the animal. Roll Stoneworking at DC 80 to make a harmless statue out of a rock a giant's throwing at you.

And so on.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

I Dreamed This One Too

Account Cloning
by Zaratustra

I woke with ten thousand bells inside my head. Four AM. The phone must have turned itself back on with something I said. Cursed first-gen.

"Hello," I subvocalized, still groggy.

"Mick, for god's sakes, I've been trying to get to you all day."

"W... Who is this?"

"It's Jane, Mick. I need your help!"

"... what Jane?"

"'Slept with each other for three years' Jane! Wake up, Mick!"

"OK, OK. I'm awake. What's wrong?"

"Remember the injections we took? You said they'd protect us from all the cloning crimes that have been going on--"

"Yes, the gene locks. So people can't take your cells and use the genes to unlock your bank account."

"Mick, someone did get to my bank account."


"Mick, I saw her leaving the bank. She looked just like me."

"That's not possible."

"Mick, there's someone that looks just like me and that someone stole four thousand off my account."

"So... someone cloned you, actually cloned you whole, just so they could get some money off your savings?"

"I don't know what they did or why they did it, Mick! That's what I saw and I need your help! The cops don't believe me! Nobody believes me!"

"OK, calm down. I believe you."

"God, Mick, I think I saw her around daycare. If she wants to steal my son--"

"Jane, calm down. Lock the doors and windows, I'll be there in the morning."

"Mick, couldn't you come now? This is--"

"I'll get some things done, first. Things that will help you. Do you trust me?""

"-- OK. Be here at eight?"

"I promise. T.R.Off."

The phone turned itself off.

I looked at the sleeping woman beside me.



"I'm glad we got back together, but I think we have to discuss our relationship."

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Slashdot Comments Drinking Game

The Slashdot Comments Drinking Game is easy and fun. Prepare a bottle of your favorite drink and a small glass, open an item from the Slashdot main news and scroll down to the comments. Whenever you see one of the items below, take a drink. Keep in mind to only read the visible comments (those rated +3 or more), or else you will die.

Examples from here.
  • A comment inquiring on how this news item is news since it's old/a no-brainer/obvious to anyone
    • This is done in the tone you used with your mother when you were 15 ("In China, even *Americans* must obey Chinese law! Gee, who would have thought?")
  • A tired Simpsons/Futurama/Yakov Smirnoff meme (keep in mind someone rated it +3 even though it was used twenty hundred times before)
  • Comments inexplicably defending the big innocent corporation/country from the mean little bloggers / The 'don't make waves' argument ("You may not like them, for whatever reason. You may think they are inhuman and evil, but they are the law of the land.")
  • Ad-thumbsitum argument: "If you don't like it, then leave/don't use it/don't do it."
  • In general, any complaint that you should not complain
As a bonus, the Youtube Comments Drinking Game. Take a drink whenever you see:
  • Comments consisting of "Doesn't this person have anything better to do with their time" and variations thereof.
Have fun. Don't drink and drive.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

How One More Day Could Have Been Done Properly

(Parker home. Enter PETER PARKER, AUNT MAY and MARY JANE.)
PETER PARKER: I feel somewhat stupid about revealing my identity to the public.
AUNT MAY: Peter, you know I will always support you.
(AUNT MAY is shot and killed by a sniper.)
MARY JANE: And me, too. Also, I'm pregnant.
(MARY JANE is killed by someone. The VULTURE or something.)
J. JONAH JAMESON: Parker, you horrible person! People die because of your existence!
(JJJ is killed by ROCKET RACER.)
PETER PARKER: Mary Jane! Aunt May! Jonah! I rend my garments thus!
(PETER PARKER roams alleys in grief-stricken madness. Enter MEPHISTO.)
MEPHISTO: Parker, you suck.
PETER PARKER: I know. Oh, had I never taken the mantle of Spiderman!
MEPHISTO: Fear not, for I offer you a deal. I'll let you pull back all your fuck ups. Back to the first one.
MEPHISTO: Uncle Ben. You can go back and not have him killed. And every other stupid thing you did will be revoked.
PETER PARKER: My soul is not enough a price to pay for the lives that have died for me.
MEPHISTO: Pah, I don't want your soul. No price. Just say yes.
(Music comes to a crescendo as PARKER ponders the gravity of the situation.)
(Flash of bright light. Parker home. Enter UNCLE BEN, PETER PARKER. PARKER has different clothes.)
PETER PARKER: Uncle Ben, I'm home!
UNCLE BEN: Hello, Peter. Have you found a job yet?
PETER PARKER: Uh... not quite yet, Uncle. I'm looking for one, though.
UNCLE BEN: Peter, you're past twenty-five, you don't have a girlfriend and you don't have a job. What would your aunt say if she was alive?
PETER PARKER: I'm sure she'd be as worried as you, uncle.