The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Monday, April 02, 2007

Things Will Never Be The Same

Those in the audience that don't read many comics probably don't know or don't care that everything is about to change. That's right, the big comic-making corporations are ushering in an entire new age of comics! So you can understand the importance of this, let's see what the previous ages of comics entailed.

Golden Age (Pre-WW2): Superheroes in Phantom Of The Opera costumes with magical or scientific or whatever artifacts which all gave them the same power - the power to punch hoodlums and cutpurses on the face and other sensitive areas while spouting old school catchphrases. Time for a nap, old bean! POW! Hoho!

Electrum Age (WW2 Era): As above, but now mainly punching Hitler and Japanese people (or yellow bucktoothed facsimiles thereof). Hitler was being punched in the guts, like, weekly.

Silver Age (60s): All Golden Age heroes are revamped to get powers from Science or Space. They're all scientists or cops (or scientist cops). Family values prohibit comics from showing any form of sex or violence, giving us about twenty years of Batman dressing as a candy cane and Superman with ant head and etc, providing internet blog sites material for megabytes of postings. On Marvel, Jack Kirby writes and draws every issue of every comic for twenty years.

Bronze Age (70s): Comics become hella street. Superheroes become junkies, evil, evil junkies and soforth. Many go off in funky colored buses to find America. Supergirl and Gwen Stacy and some other women die. Wolverine appears and gets his own series, in a trend that continues to this day.

Iron Age (80s): Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen build the idea that comics can be serious works. This lasts for about two weeks. We get Sandman and Swamp Thing out of it though. Crisis on Infinite Earths and Secret Wars begin the concept of the Big Summer Event, which eventually will occupy the entire year and a few months of the years to each side.

Tinfoil Age (90s): Dear god X-Force and Spawn and everybody is drawing with a knife for a pen and everyone's gritting their teeth all the time and have really small feet and I swear their muscles have muscles of their own argh. Superman dies then comes back with a mullet and also grimaces all the time. Batman is replaced with a kid with a magic skateboard that grimaces a lot, I think. The kid, not the skateboard. This goes on for ten years, when both readers and artists finally find out breasts don't work that way.

Candy Wrapper Age (2000s): Everything is new again! Actually, everything is old again. Why? Because we have to make movies of this stuff, folks. So basically every big superhero reviews his origins and stuff like that so people that just started reading don't have to think too much. Many perky teenage girl versions of superheroes appear and are quickly killed or worse. Meanwhile, the hardcore readers can read the company-wide crossover events, featuring serious debates on rape and children being eaten alive. Haha, kidding! Only on the serious debate bit, actually.

Also, Nextwave gets cancelled. Probably because they can't make a movie of it.


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