The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I think the reason most people hated the American Godzilla movie wasn't that Godzilla looked weird or that it was a girl, it was mostly that it was beat by a cast of characters that look like they couldn't brush a lizard off their vase of flowers. Let's look at the main characters and see how replacements would improve the movie.

Role: Biologist With Expertise in Radiation-Mutated Lifeforms
Actor: Matthew Broderick
Best Known As: Ferris Bueller
Suggested Replacement: Kiefer Sutherland
Ideal Scene: Discovers where Godzilla eggs are hidden by going down into sewers and shooting rats on knees

Role: Plucky Young Female Reporter
Actress: Maria Pitillo
Best Known As: Cute Girl In Afternoon Sitcoms For Women In The 30-45 Demographic
Suggested Replacement: Charlize Theron
Ideal Scene: Kills Godzilla-spawn with high heel in the brain; turns around sexily and says some catchphrase or something; Godzilla-spawn explodes

Role: Rude Cameraman
Actor: Hank Azaria
Best Known As: Chief Wiggum
Suggested Replacement: Samuel L. Jackson
Ideal Scene: 'We got motherf-cking Godzillas in this motherf-cking stadium!'

Role: Foreign Guy
Actor: Jean Reno
Best Known As: Foreign Guy
Suggested Replacement: Jason Statham
Ideal Scene: Grabs Godzilla-spawn by tail, spins it around, uses it to beat other Godzilla-spawns

Role: Military Commander
Actor: Kevin Dunn
Best Known As: 'Joel Hornick, Jerry's overzealous childhood friend, in the Seinfeld episode "Male Unbonding".'
Suggested Replacement: Chuck Norris
Ideal Scene: Chuck gets shot out of an airplane's bomb hatch; hits Godzilla, Godzilla dies


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