The Unbearable Awesomeness Of Being

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Kingdom Come

With the imminent arrival of Kingdom Hearts II, which seems to proeminently figure a goth Mickey, message boards are burning with rumors of what will be in the sequel, most of them in some proto-european language. Using Altavista's newest Internet-to-English software, we've uncovered that the newest work of Disney-Square-Enix-Capcom-Dreamworks-Some Guy With Money will have:

* Extra playable characters: Mary Poppins, Herbie the Love Bug, Panchito (Featured in the new Mexicana level, where you must beat Heartless worms in bottles and dangerous immigrants)

* 50% less of those guys from those games of that Japanese company, whatever it is.

* Sequel will be released for TV only, have vastly inferior and derivative plot and none of the good voice acting of the original.

* White Wilderness minigame: Push as many lemmings off the cliff as possible within one minute.

* Even though it says Disney on the cover, most of the job was done by Pixar.

* Brand-new Legal Battle System! Defeat the enemies by pushing them off the Public Domain edge and copying their powers, but don't forget to give money to the battle judges to avoid falling through it yourself!

* To cash in with Da Vinci Code, the game comes with an edition of the Bible, containing previously unpublished apocryphal books that indicate the third member of the Trinity is actually Mickey Mouse.

* Additional cutscenes displaying the corpses of JM Barrie, Burroughs, Carroll and La Fontaine spinning on their graves.


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